Written Jan. 30, 11
(Presented at Yoni Ki Baat, 2011 at the Seattle Asian Art Museum, March 2011)
I am a single woman looking for love. After my marriage ended several years ago, I have taken my own sweet time meandering through life, work and personal projects. Through this journey of Self-discovery and through many beautiful friendships with men, women, singles and couples, I’ve understood that love is really just an exchange of positive, regenerative energy.
I know myself to be heterosexual, coz I like being with a man; I like being the woman, and want the love of a man for the long run because for better or worse, that is what I have been conditioned to seek. For the longest time therefore, I’ve found myself looking for love through conventional means, but for a variety of reasons including timing, insufficient self or mutual awareness amidst the chaos of life, a limited dating pool and perhaps the filters and masks that society forces us to wear, it has not really “materialized” so far. Meanwhile, in the process of seeking balance, I have learnt to plug my own holes, complement myself… and in some sense… be my own better half… a case of situational evolution.
As a big believer in destiny, I sometimes wonder if am receiving a cosmic message here; Am I really meant to be in a traditional framework of love that I and most of my peers have been raised to understand. Or am I meant to follow a more free form of expression of my love and passion?
I have a lot to offer and feel deeply for human beings and life in general. This capacity for deep connection transcends gender and status, so I wonder if I am meant to focus on an individual based on gender, orientation, socio-economic status or environmental background… or even just limit myself to one individual at all!
And hey, this is not only about love in its “purest” form, I am also very sexual. I want sex for pleasure, like many people do, but I also view it as a source of learning, from another energy that can take me to the next step in my spiritual evolution. Sex to me therefore is very much in my body, but also so much in my mind and my spirit.
So, combining my perspectives on love and sexuality, I’ve concluded that I am capable of loving more than one person. My instinct loves a man’s body, touch, energy and passion, especially if he is strong and smart, but when I invite my intellect into the equation, I Totally see myself appreciating that same energy and passion in an even more beautiful form, the woman! So the complementary energy I seek maybe in the form of a man OR… a woman.
Seeking energies that are sufficiently complementary and supplementary extends this thought further. What if that energy came in the form of not one but two people? … To be honest, most coupled individuals achieve balance through their partner. So that means that the form that complements my partly feminine and partly masculine brain (but fully feminine body!) could be a man AND a woman! I could seek enjoyment in the company of two people that represent the energies that I am looking for… Or maybe it could simply be… that the Narcissus in me can swallow appreciation from both together! 🙂
There have been a few times at clubs when I’ve looked at couples, thinking… “Hmm, I’d like to join them!” Two bodies to complement my passions! After all, what could be better than loving one other person… loving 2 people!
I wonder how many couples out there think about inviting other singles or couples for dinner and more. If you think about it, it’s just an extension of watching an erotic movie together. I think this could be a great way to keep things interesting and long lasting in their sex lives… and perhaps even cement their relationship further. A few couples I know are willing to explore and experiment … but it may be a while before they act. I know that once I get with my partner, at some point in the future, I’d certainly love to… I’m really hoping my partner turns out to be progressive and will have the ability to appreciate my deep loyalty, devotion and friendship on the one hand, and on the other, a sexuality that is soulful, playful, adventurous, erotic and open … which could include “alternate” avenues of fun on occasion… under mutually agreeable terms of course 😉 …. and when the time is appropriate.
I have to admit though, that deep down I get more than just a kick out of tradition. So is this just greed? Is it a passing fantasy that is acting out or is it something else? I feel a conflict between my expression of universal love and the need for absorption in the accepted forms in common society. I just want to reconcile the social and spiritual sides of me.
Conflict aside, I am certain that there are many ways of giving and receiving love. It’s really about recognizing that people are just trying to be happy and fulfilling their needs for sharing and growth. They are looking for beautiful synergies and energies that will help them evolve as spiritual beings. There’s no malice, there’s no politics, there’s no judgment, there’s only love. So people, when you’re ready, open your minds, hearts and maybe… your bedrooms! 🙂