To Troubleshoot or to Shop

I am a geek… somewhat. So I often find myself (or get called out for) expressing real world situations with tech world jargon. Analogies such as “sending keep-alive packets (to parents)”, “i prefer synchronous to asynchronous communication” when explaining to my arts and humanities girl-friends about why i prefer if a guy just picks up the phone and calls me rather than hide behind a lame text, or “need to reboot” when I just need some down time, are all phrases that frequent my vocabulary.

But lets not confuse cause and effect. It is not because I’ve spent 15 years and change, studying and working in the tech world , that I do geek-speak, but rather, because I have spent several more decades(centuries?) observing and experiencing psychological and social patterns and realize just how much we’re all machines and how humanity is desperately trying to recreate itself via machines and collaboration. So using “machinisms” is second nature at this point.

I’ve also been “on the market”… sort of,  for sometime now, for umm… a guy, i think. At first it was just my social conditioning of wanting or needing to be with someone of the opposite gender, because lets face it, the world just expects you to and finds it really hard to fathom both energies in just one person, one body, one mind.  The world wants to see themselves in you. And its bloody hard to find others like you or that think like you or just are comfortable with your position and hence relate on a regular basis. But then, that reasoning evolved into a higher understanding of energy and love and wanting to or rather, choosing to be with another (read, taking a damned decision! 🙂 ). So yeah, back in the game for a different and more evolved reason… again for quite some time now.

The “search” for the other (or the self?) is on as I meander through life. I meet and see a range of people at various levels of awareness, of the world and of the self. For a whole host of reasons, things do not evolve or evolve the way they do, mostly due to logistics, inconvenience and egos and just a whole heck of a lot of fear (not in me! 🙂 ). (Ego is all fine and really comes in handy for some good things, but its the lack of awareness of how it plays tricks on you that can be confounding at best and debilitating at worst.  But more on that in another post. This one is really about figuring out where you are in the spectrum and how you make your choices.). So wait, is it really logistics and inconvenience and egos or is it just one’s inclination or (in)ability to dig deeper? Let me explain… in geek-speak :).

Human beings are computers. There are mainframes, PCs, Macs, laptops, tablets, handhelds, microchips. Clearly a range in terms of usability, capability (software apps), processing speed, portability, size, etc. but largely similar in value. Once you’ve identified your requirements and pick a domain or category to shop in, its a matter of a) the nuances in the feature set for price point and b) look & feel. Lets say you made a purchase or have a 30-day trial period after purchase.

Life’s good when you open the package from AMZN or elsewhere, the smell of the wrapping, the sleek finish of the shiny new object, the anticipation of first use and just the overall high of having made the purchase. In fact, there’s a lot to be said about the shopping experience itself :).   Its also pretty marvelous as you discover the feature set, unravel how it makes your life easier in many ways, shows you a new way of looking at things and organizing yourself, gives you perspective and in a way opens your world up.

Then one day, there’s an app/feature that had shown promise at the time of purchase, but is one that you can’t figure out, or maybe a powerful spreadsheet application that has some features you’re just not able to work. Ok, no harm done, take the effort, read the manual, scour online forums, figure it out and boom, you’ve learnt some new capability of your acquisition and you’ve enhanced your own skill set a bit. And then another day, there’s a situation where an app just didn’t perform or gave you results you weren’t expecting, you stomp and scream with frustration, you could return the product… but decide to dig a little and realize its you that fed it insufficient data, or expected it to work differently or configured something wrong. User Error! You live, you learn… And yeah sometimes, a call to customer support is all it takes.

In short, if you’re stumped or worse, you hit a wall, there’s usually a good reason if you choose to stop and think and work on it.  Poor performance? Reduce the overload, uninstall a few apps, check for malware, reboot, do the freaking maintenance! If you have the patience you stand a better chance. If you are a hacker and just know better, you stand an even better chance. Heck, if you can write your own program, the world is at your feet! … or you could just stay at your current level of awareness yourself and get back on AMZN for the next shiny object that might be better (easier?). So the choice is really yours.

Snapping out of the analogy for a moment and getting”real”, of course, am not saying you have to live with a pile of outdated junkware that just does not meet your fundamental needs, but… you get the idea… or do you?

Once again, it all starts with knowing your requirements i.e. knowing yourself. Are you a troubleshooter or are you a shopper?

Love Unfettered

Written Jan. 30, 11

(Presented at Yoni Ki Baat, 2011 at the Seattle Asian Art Museum, March 2011)

I am a single woman looking for love. After my marriage ended several years ago, I have taken my own sweet time meandering through life, work and personal projects. Through this journey of Self-discovery and through many beautiful friendships with men, women, singles and couples, I’ve understood that love is really just an exchange of positive, regenerative energy.

I know myself to be heterosexual, coz I like being with a man; I like being the woman, and want the love of a man for the long run because for better or worse, that is what I have been conditioned to seek. For the longest time therefore, I’ve found myself looking for love through conventional means, but for a variety of reasons including timing, insufficient self or mutual awareness amidst the chaos of life, a limited dating pool and perhaps the filters and masks that society forces us to wear, it has not really “materialized” so far. Meanwhile, in the process of seeking balance, I have learnt to plug my own holes, complement myself… and in some sense… be my own better half… a case of situational evolution.

As a big believer in destiny, I sometimes wonder if am receiving a cosmic message here; Am I really meant to be in a traditional framework of love that I and most of my peers have been raised to understand. Or am I meant to follow a more free form of expression of my love and passion?

I have a lot to offer and feel deeply for human beings and life in general. This capacity for deep connection transcends gender and status, so I wonder if I am meant to focus on an individual based on gender, orientation, socio-economic status or environmental background… or even just limit myself to one individual at all!

And hey, this is not only about love in its “purest” form, I am also very sexual. I want sex for pleasure, like many people do, but I also view it as a source of learning, from another energy that can take me to the next step in my spiritual evolution. Sex to me therefore is very much in my body, but also so much in my mind and my spirit.

So, combining my perspectives on love and sexuality, I’ve concluded that I am capable of loving more than one person. My instinct loves a man’s body, touch, energy and passion, especially if he is strong and smart, but when I invite my intellect into the equation, I Totally see myself appreciating that same energy and passion in an even more beautiful form, the woman! So the complementary energy I seek maybe in the form of a man OR… a woman.

Seeking energies that are sufficiently complementary and supplementary extends this thought further. What if that energy came in the form of not one but two people? … To be honest, most coupled individuals achieve balance through their partner. So that means that the form that complements my partly feminine and partly masculine brain (but fully feminine body!) could be a man AND a woman! I could seek enjoyment in the company of two people that represent the energies that I am looking for… Or maybe it could simply be… that the Narcissus in me can swallow appreciation from both together! 🙂

There have been a few times at clubs when I’ve looked at couples, thinking… “Hmm, I’d like to join them!” Two bodies to complement my passions! After all, what could be better than loving one other person… loving 2 people!

I wonder how many couples out there think about inviting other singles or couples for dinner and more. If you think about it, it’s just an extension of watching an erotic movie together. I think this could be a great way to keep things interesting and long lasting in their sex lives… and perhaps even cement their relationship further. A few couples I know are willing to explore and experiment … but it may be a while before they act. I know that once I get with my partner, at some point in the future, I’d certainly love to… I’m really hoping my partner turns out to be progressive and will have the ability to appreciate my deep loyalty, devotion and friendship on the one hand, and on the other, a sexuality that is soulful, playful, adventurous, erotic and open … which could include “alternate” avenues of fun on occasion… under mutually agreeable terms of course 😉 …. and when the time is appropriate.

I have to admit though, that deep down I get more than just a kick out of tradition. So is this just greed? Is it a passing fantasy that is acting out or is it something else? I feel a conflict between my expression of universal love and the need for absorption in the accepted forms in common society. I just want to reconcile the social and spiritual sides of me.

Conflict aside, I am certain that there are many ways of giving and receiving love. It’s really about recognizing that people are just trying to be happy and fulfilling their needs for sharing and growth. They are looking for beautiful synergies and energies that will help them evolve as spiritual beings. There’s no malice, there’s no politics, there’s no judgment, there’s only love. So people, when you’re ready, open your minds, hearts and maybe… your bedrooms! 🙂